Journey into Darkness 6/15

Well, I am anxious and my chest is tight. The house is in need of a pick-me-up, my oldest daughter is stressing me out to no end. I am so tired and feel such pressure. I don’t think my husband understand the pressure. The pressure builds and I need to release it, so I binge and now I am waiting to purge. It’s old and endless cycle. I know when I purge, I will get a release for a moment. I will be free, just for a minute.

Journey into Darkness 6/09

I’m sinking. It’s getting dark. I’m tired and I am wanting someone to hold me with no expectations. I am feeling wanted to death and I am always failing someone. I’m running on empty. The last 2 days, I have binged and purged. Only once a day, but I hate that it still has a hold of me. I’m strapped down and stripped over and over with bulemia. I hate it, but I can’t let it go. I’m so tired, so very tired. Stress at work. Pressure at home. Can I just disappear for a while?

Journey into Darkness 6/10

Sorry everybody, no action here. It’s not really good reading material when I am feeling stable, level, balanced. What I would really like to hear from others “normal people” is what do people without bi-polar feel? When you are angry, happy, anxious, fearful, sad, depressed. I have been told that I am not normal, by the higher ups. So, what is normal? What are you like? I want to know what makes me “abnormal.” My doctors would probably tell me that I am ” normal” right now, but honestly, I feel flat…. If normal is flat, I’m really not feeling it. I want to feel life. Live life, experience life. Not just mosey through it. Granted, most of my life has been survival and that isn’t what I am going for either. I want to LIVE, not live and not just survive.

Journey into Darkness 6/9

Work,lunch with the hubby and lil one at JJ juice, back to work, therapy (for ole’ crazy), pedicure, watering the flowers and plants with the kids, dinner, snuggles. All in all, it was a pretty good day. I have escaped the darkness.   I am not flying to the heavens, nor am I crashing to the hells, but I am reaching higher. I am creative, I am strong, maybe a little too strong. When you get the label, suddenly your not sure if your good day is really a manic day on the verge. I’m optimistic…it’s a good day.

Journey into Darkness 6/7

I was slow to start again today, but I think I was really uninterested in going to work. I am trying to have a positive outlook on work, but I am uninspired, and uninterested so I am not sure what to do with myself. I had crazy dreams last night. I dreamt about a old friend of mine over and over. Today, I kept thinking I saw her, even though she doesn’t live in my city. It’s bothered me a bit. I feel pretty level tonight and I am really happy that I am feeling creative. I hope that I can take a step and move forward.

Journey into Darkness 6/6

I slept great last night, aside from my 4 year old who snuck into bed and then peed on my leg. YUCK. Gotta love her. She did say sorry in her groggy and soggy mind as we cleaned up the soppy mess. Emotionally, I am feeling better. A bit more level with just a bit of edgy and a dab of why bother. My snarky sarcasm is back, which is great for me and scary for the rest of the world. I get to sleep in tomorrow, which is a small slice of heaven. Amen! Another day, relatively untouched by crazy.

Journey into Darkness starting – 6/3/09

This is really just a journal of my journey and me looking for my cracks and to see if there is any reason to when my “crazy” escapes past the med guards. If anyone can learn from it, then amen. If not, it will become useful for me to learn about me.

6/3

Just a little bit grindy today after meeting with the doctor.  I am not deep into darkness like I am being swallowed, but I have a layer of heaviness hanging over my head.  I am struggling to find motivation to do things I love to do.  I have all sorts of home improvements that I could work on and I sit on the sofa, or hide in my bed under the lie of a nap.  The depression isn’t consuming, but it’s just heavy enough to keep me uninterested.

Spinning under water my breath is almost gone

Escape I want to do while everything is wrong

Tired, that I am, wish it all away

My heart, my soul, has all begun to fray….

 

6/5/09

I took a really long nap and really wanted to sleep forever. I am so  unmotivated.  I received a call about a new job and had to push myself to call the client  back. I called back out of responsibility, not joy or enthusiasm which is where design used to bring.  Later I went to see my daughters artwork, which I loved. It was her final senior project and she is quite creative and I enjoy peeking into her mind.  Came home and had some time with Everett and then went to bed. Slept well.  Headache from the time released Effexor is creaping on in. At this point, we didn’t up the dose, we just changed it from 2 x a day to time release. 

6/6 I had a minor Effexor headache today, but it was minor to what I experienced today. My edge seems to be disapperaing by the day and I thing the children sense it. They aren’t as whiney or needy and I think its because I am whole heartedly available and not going through the moves.  I pushed myself to do some minor quick fixes around the house.  I am praying that God shows me the path he has set for me. I know there is more. I have been through too much and he has blessed me with too many worthwhile talents, to not utilize me in some way. I love the lord and really want to be a blessing, even with so many dings in my structure. I feel my energy coming back, but it is level instead of speedy.

Cycle ended yesterday, but it was the second cycle in 4 weeks. What does that mean? Is crazy chemical or hormonal or does the hormonal make my chemical crazy, crazier?

A Day In Mania

Today, I broke, bipolar won

Cracked in head, a world to shun

Yesternight – up…flying high

Awoke in death, misery, cry

Unsure for me, what lies ahead

Long to release, excrete, and shed

Labeled I was, six months ago

Unsure, of who I am or what I know

I am strong, smart, with fight

Jah, I pray, illuminate night

It’s dark, desperate and alone

Release me, free, heaven be shown

Death of Dancer

Feeling the music, going through the moves
Smiling at the demons while dancing for the wolves
Dancer on the stage, longing to be-
Mirages of hope – dreams of prosperity

Sounds of their voice
Stench of their breath
She’s movin to the music
Groovin to the death

Lose yourself in melody, trying to escape
They look into your eyes, but your soul…they do rape
Smile painted on your face while tears fall inside
Stripping off your clothing while emotions long to hide

Circles of a game going round and round
Praying for the freedom of that hated dungeon sound
Longing for that day to never dance again
Sanity awaits you – when freed from wicked man

Little Pill II – Inside Mental Illness

Little pill, little pill, magic cure to it all

Raindrop size, brutal  hit, like Herculean brawl

Simply, pop upon my tongue, world a cheery place

Nothing even bothers me, even  slap to the face

World is ending, wars a raging, teardrops not in sight

Terrible all around me, but I think I lost my fight

Seconds, minutes, hours… heart beat races now

Jaws do clench, muscles flinch,  reaching place of Tao

I pause, I wait, euphoria, moving toward some peace

Now engulfed in nausea, will it ever cease

Doc, help, I can’t sleep at all, sex drive is so low

I swear I had insomnia, bi-polar you bestow

Life upside down, scared, alone, need to take a breath

Pushing, pushing, forward while feeling like Macbeth

Modern day, tragedy, building in my head

Little pill, yes or no, both choices come with dread