Erase me

I spin in a circle, like a leaf in the wind.

Wondering what, this writing will mend

I battle and rattle some words on a page

My heart and my brain, remain encaged

The more I unleash, it’s even more wrong

Not helping at all, only prolong

It worked better stuffed, in my dark hellish place

Pretend it didn’t happen, my past erased

Over the Bridge

The hot sun, felt as though it was dripping from the skies, and into my freshly washed Jetta, as I sped down the 101 freeway. The freeway was wide open, which should have been an omen to me that something was about to go wrong. The heat, was that dry desert heat, that feels as if you are breathing in fire.  The sky was the color of my daughters eyes, the blue that looks through you, into your deepest places. I remember looking at the sky and thinking of her eyes, which forced me to glance into my rear view mirror.

Lalie’s blond ringlets, the color of cotton, blowing in the wind and often sticking to her perfect cherry stained lips. She was only six, but had already had her share of being slapped by the world. It somehow made her quieter then I wanted her to be. She took her small ivory fingers, and pulled the tendrils, that were matted to her lips, as the wind blew fiery through the windows. When I glanced at her, I felt such a tug of my heart. It wasn’t her job, but she was my saviour, and every-time I looked at her, my heart wept.

I brought my attention back to the road, and as I was moving down the fast lane, I caught a human out of the peripheral of my eye.  My mind raced, realizing that there was a woman, running across the freeway toward my car.  Should I speed up, do I slow down, swerve left, slam on the breaks? How do I stop this unimaginable nightmare from transpiring?!  I panicked thinking of Lalie, in the back seat. Was she aware? Did she see the woman too? How much of this blood bath was she about to see? I didn’t see anyway out, but I had to find a way. The woman was now in the lane right next to my car. All I could do, was swerve into the lane she was running out of as she ran into my lane. My only chance was to miss her and I just swerved, not knowing if there were a car in that lane, not knowing anything. Just knowing, that it couldn’t happen.

Oh, Oh my God! I couldn’t miss her, I tried, but the left side of my car clipped her as she was running toward the median. I sobbed as she flew up, my window cracked and Lalie was silent. What did she see? What did she hear, as the women bounced, until she didn’t.  Time was moving so fast, yet seemed to stop as I moved along the freeway  because my brain was stuck. I couldn’t think, move, breath. I was hyperventilating and then….I slammed on my breaks and pulled over the car. I jumped out and turned and looked at Lalie and told her to stay there.

Cars, were pulled over as people ran to the crumpled woman on the side of the road.  Someone had ran to me and held me and hugged me as I sobbed. I stared at the woman, not knowing was she alive or had I taken her life and changed mine forever? I tried to gather my thoughts, as the cops arrived, wondering how this could have happened. Why did this happen, when a few feet behind her, there was a walkway? I stared at the freeway walkway, as my stomach churned and violently released all my pain, sorrow and fear. 

An accident, a suicide, I will never know, but when I took that woman’s life…she also took a part of mine.

charlie

As many read my poems, my story, my biography, you probably think, “wow, she must be a mess.”  The truth is, if you met me at work, or on the street, or with my friends, you would think, “wow, she is really together and strong.”  The truth is, I am. I am strong, smart, fast, hard working and yet, part of me, is a mess. I don’t seem so bad, until I start reading my own post. After reading them, they are almost enough to send me back into therapy. If I were to read these posts, I would feel so sorry for the poor thing. But don’t! Don’t feel sorry for me, as I always come out the other side, still standing. Every choice I have made, or tragedy I have been dealt, has been my journey to who I am. But, what I do want people to know, is that you never can tell a persons story just by looking at them. I may appear to be strong, but in truth be weak and beaten down. I may need a kind word to help me through the day. I may be homeless, and appear weak, but be faster, strong, smarter then you, but have just made a decision to let go of all my possessions.  I may appear to be the most beautiful, but be twisted and ugly. I may appear to be naive, but in truth, I use that as a way to manipulate.

The truth is, what seems to be, often is not. The truth is, what you see, often is NOT what you get.  The truth is, a person can switch it up on you, just when you think you have it figured out. As humans, we are changing, growing, switching it up everyday. Yes, we are creatures of habit, but in an instant, everything can change. We can run a sprint and be hit by a car…forever paralyzed. We can go to the doctor for a checkup to discover, we are dying of cancer. We can give up on having a baby, to discover we are pregnant. Everyday is a new day, a new journey and a chance to be a new us.

We are part of our past, but we are not our past. We are a sum of everyday, every breath, every moment.

Anorexic Bulimic

Not at all about food

A darkened mood

I binge and purge

Restrain my urge

Ice Cream Cake

A tossed mistake

I hide my pain

To binge again

High I feel

Without a pill

Anorexia Nervousa

Takes me over

Eat no more

Lifeless on the floor

Nobody knows

My pain -froze

Never, to end

Forever, I pretend

Alone

Feeling so alone, long to be at peace

Feeling so alone, teardrops wet my cheeks

Feeling so alone, tightness deep within

Feeling so alone, haunting like a sin

Feeling so alone, knowing someones there

Feeling so alone, wondering if they care

Feeling so alone, no-one even knows

Feeling so alone, as the darkness grows

Feeling so alone, wishing not to be

Feeling so alone, do you feel, like me

Feeling so alone, alone, alone

 

1994

A mothers cry…

Blond hair, blue eyes, translucent soul.  Waiting for this wicked world, to tear at you and to pull.  Wanting to keep you safe, behind tall walls. Wanting you to stay so pure…loving you whole.  I wish you ony fairytales and rainbows to come down. I wish you all the happines and only joyous sound. Knowing it not to last, the world will suck you dry. Oh my pretty baby, tears falling from the skies. Promises made to you, only to be lies. Please keep strong and listen to my cries.  Rely souly upon yourself, strive to be one. The ones who try to consume you, run my pretty baby, run. If you feel your own strength, let no lions in. If you know your heart and soul, you’ll conquer only win.  Believe in your truth, not in others tales.  Believe in yourself to never, ever, fail. 

Oh my pretty baby, don’t let them get to you. oh my pretty baby, don’t you see it’s true?

Love?!

Love is bliss

What’d I miss

A heart torn apart

Liars from the start

Pretending to be

My wish, an irony

Gents, boys and men

Same ole problem

Fathers, husbands, lovers

Made me run for cover

Still want to believe

Love – A reality….

Stripped

Silk panties kissing skin, like soft butterfly wings

Lacy bra, protecting all, hidden treasured things

Long locks, curled in ringlets, brushing upon my breast

Heels high as the heavens, a complicated mess

Sweet nothings were meant, for private times of bliss

About to be tainted with a darkened emptiness

Carried to the stage, a weight upon my heart

Couldn’t convince my brain, this was any kind of art

Three steps to the place, a beginning of my end

Looked out into the crowd, only darkness now my friend

Those clear hooker heels, took a life of their own

I wiggled and giggled, heard grunts and a moan

Shutting down my mind, not wanting to feel

What I was doing, like Dali, twisted and surreal

Wanted it to end, but so easy to succumb

Once your swallowed in, sweetness forever, undone

Acrobatic tricks, on the pole called to me

Music now my muse, in my head I longed to be

Walked on that stage, to give my little one a chance

My life forever darkened, with a death of a dance

Reason is what we do, to make right, what is wrong

Our hearts we should listen, as they sing a truthful song

Hearts flutter of fear, before my 1st spin on stage

This choice was a bad one, to consume with a rage

So many, years have gone by since dancer in the night

Yet, I am still searching, for Gods forgiving light

Zion Consumed

Perfect he was, with skin golden brown

Shiny, chestnut locks with a soft, pouty frown

His eyes always searching to heavens above

Baby boy stole my heart, my world and my love

Something was off,  it  just wasn’t right

He lived in his head, away from lifes light

He lay upon the floor, with spinning wheels

He pointed and grunted to show what he feels

He smiled at times, but mostly was gone

My baby boy, Zion, what had went wrong

Our hearts all but broken, while praying for help

But what he was living, we’de never before dealt

He lived in his head, told never to change

We raised our voices up, to heavenly range

Our son, who was gone, unknown at age 3

He now lives with us, his mind set free

Doctors are sold to highest bidders of drug

Our children are poisoned, by CDC thug

I used to believe,  our government cared

Now, I know, that our young won’t be spared

Have you ever…

HAVE YOU EVER…

died to yourself to be reborn again

sat quietly in the dark, while screaming with rage

made love while all you felt was hate

been raped by a man who stole your soul

cried inside, while you smiled at the world

longed to quit, but had to be strong

laughed at a joke, that was ruthless and cruel

loved someone, that you wanted to hate

hated someone, you wanted to love

given up something you had to have

let go of someone, you wanted to grasp

cried for so long, you thought you’d die

hurt so bad, you felt numb of pain

laughed so hard, it hurt inside

loved so completely, it consumed

lived so wrong, it had to be right

Ended it all, wishing it could last

HAVE YOU EVER?