Death, by guilt.

We are taught what guilt is at a very young age and what a brilliant tool it is to manipulate others into doing or feeling what we need and want. Very often, guilt is something that we are made to feel, over something we didn’t do or due to an inadequate response or feeling.  But, should we feel guilty, even if that response is true and fair, even if it unintentionally hurts another.

I learned guilt at a very young age, so young that I think that I have carried it with me forever.  I feel guilty for other peoples actions, reactions and even their ill feelings…even if all of this has nothing to do with me. Guilt helps me parent, to love my children properly, to be a good friend, to be a good wife, to take care of everyone else but me. Guilt, is my fuel and it was seared into my soul. But why? Why guilt? Why did my parents embrace this as a functional and approved tool of teaching.  Did they know? Were they aware that they were  burdening me with life with such a thing?

At a very early age, I knew my role switched and I am not sure why that switch took place or when it happened.  I was once the cutie with long blond ringlets and big blue eyes, that made everyone smile and was such a joy.  Somehow, I became the angry, troubled child who wasn’t living up to her potential. I was the one who lied and made things so difficult.  I was out doing all sorts of crazy things and I was promiscuous…so they thought, or she thought and maybe he thought. But I wasn’t….until later, after I learned, that I was.

When did I learn, that no matter what, that I was always guilty. It was always my fault, even if it wasn’t.  I began to die, inside, little by little. My death, was a death, by guilt. To this day, when something goes wrong, even if I am truly innocent…why do I feel guilty?  How can I rid myself of this, so that all my pain, and sorrow and self-loathing, is finally stripped?

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.” Coco Chanel