Conundrum

I started this blog, to get back into writing, because I try to pay attention to my senses or my cues from life and God. I started writing because I felt like it was time to write again and that it was going to move me forward, but not all things go as planned. I wrote over the bridge on the 28th, and I have struggled to write since.  Funny, how I thought writing would be therapeutic, but it is rattling so many old demons, that I feel like writing is currently bringing a darkness back into my world, that has been gone, or at least unknown for some years. This writing is causing me to relive and ache all over again, and maybe that is what I needed. Maybe I had fooled myself into thinking that I was really okay, but my stuff was really just hidden.  Maybe I knew that.

The most tense part of all this caged up darkness, is  that I really don’t have time for it right now. My family is so completely unaware of what I am going through and I really am unable or unwilling to reach out. I don’t want people to know that I am scarred, weak, broken, tired, and wishing I could just stop all of it. I don’t have any support. I have been married for 7 years, and should be able to go to my husband for support, but he isn’t capable of giving what I need.   I tend to align myself with people that need my support, but aren’t able to support me.  I really long for someone like that in my life.

My husband does what he can at this time, but I am a person that wants someone to just get me and be able to read me. Most men, need women to spell everything out, and I am too tired to hold someones hands and walk them through my pain, in the hopes that they might just get it, and lift me up. Typically, it ends up with me being diagnose, analyzed, fixed. I just want support. That can’t be taught, people either connect with you on that level, or they don’t.

This will all work out and I will work my stuff out and figure out, why I had to come back and rehash all the crazy, tragic things that have rolled through my life. There must be a purpose for all of that marred existance and my writing. There must be a reason, that I don’t know. I will take a deep breath, wait, and see…what is to come?