Journey into Darkness starting – 6/3/09

This is really just a journal of my journey and me looking for my cracks and to see if there is any reason to when my “crazy” escapes past the med guards. If anyone can learn from it, then amen. If not, it will become useful for me to learn about me.

6/3

Just a little bit grindy today after meeting with the doctor.  I am not deep into darkness like I am being swallowed, but I have a layer of heaviness hanging over my head.  I am struggling to find motivation to do things I love to do.  I have all sorts of home improvements that I could work on and I sit on the sofa, or hide in my bed under the lie of a nap.  The depression isn’t consuming, but it’s just heavy enough to keep me uninterested.

Spinning under water my breath is almost gone

Escape I want to do while everything is wrong

Tired, that I am, wish it all away

My heart, my soul, has all begun to fray….

 

6/5/09

I took a really long nap and really wanted to sleep forever. I am so  unmotivated.  I received a call about a new job and had to push myself to call the client  back. I called back out of responsibility, not joy or enthusiasm which is where design used to bring.  Later I went to see my daughters artwork, which I loved. It was her final senior project and she is quite creative and I enjoy peeking into her mind.  Came home and had some time with Everett and then went to bed. Slept well.  Headache from the time released Effexor is creaping on in. At this point, we didn’t up the dose, we just changed it from 2 x a day to time release. 

6/6 I had a minor Effexor headache today, but it was minor to what I experienced today. My edge seems to be disapperaing by the day and I thing the children sense it. They aren’t as whiney or needy and I think its because I am whole heartedly available and not going through the moves.  I pushed myself to do some minor quick fixes around the house.  I am praying that God shows me the path he has set for me. I know there is more. I have been through too much and he has blessed me with too many worthwhile talents, to not utilize me in some way. I love the lord and really want to be a blessing, even with so many dings in my structure. I feel my energy coming back, but it is level instead of speedy.

Cycle ended yesterday, but it was the second cycle in 4 weeks. What does that mean? Is crazy chemical or hormonal or does the hormonal make my chemical crazy, crazier?