Journey into Darkness 6/15
June 16, 2009
Well, I am anxious and my chest is tight. The house is in need of a pick-me-up, my oldest daughter is stressing me out to no end. I am so tired and feel such pressure. I don’t think my husband understand the pressure. The pressure builds and I need to release it, so I binge and now I am waiting to purge. It’s old and endless cycle. I know when I purge, I will get a release for a moment. I will be free, just for a minute.
Journey into Darkness 6/09
June 14, 2009
I’m sinking. It’s getting dark. I’m tired and I am wanting someone to hold me with no expectations. I am feeling wanted to death and I am always failing someone. I’m running on empty. The last 2 days, I have binged and purged. Only once a day, but I hate that it still has a hold of me. I’m strapped down and stripped over and over with bulemia. I hate it, but I can’t let it go. I’m so tired, so very tired. Stress at work. Pressure at home. Can I just disappear for a while?
Journey into Darkness 6/10
June 11, 2009
Sorry everybody, no action here. It’s not really good reading material when I am feeling stable, level, balanced. What I would really like to hear from others “normal people” is what do people without bi-polar feel? When you are angry, happy, anxious, fearful, sad, depressed. I have been told that I am not normal, by the higher ups. So, what is normal? What are you like? I want to know what makes me “abnormal.” My doctors would probably tell me that I am ” normal” right now, but honestly, I feel flat…. If normal is flat, I’m really not feeling it. I want to feel life. Live life, experience life. Not just mosey through it. Granted, most of my life has been survival and that isn’t what I am going for either. I want to LIVE, not live and not just survive.
Journey into Darkness 6/9
June 10, 2009
Work,lunch with the hubby and lil one at JJ juice, back to work, therapy (for ole’ crazy), pedicure, watering the flowers and plants with the kids, dinner, snuggles. All in all, it was a pretty good day. I have escaped the darkness. I am not flying to the heavens, nor am I crashing to the hells, but I am reaching higher. I am creative, I am strong, maybe a little too strong. When you get the label, suddenly your not sure if your good day is really a manic day on the verge. I’m optimistic…it’s a good day.
Journey into Darkness 6/7
June 8, 2009
I was slow to start again today, but I think I was really uninterested in going to work. I am trying to have a positive outlook on work, but I am uninspired, and uninterested so I am not sure what to do with myself. I had crazy dreams last night. I dreamt about a old friend of mine over and over. Today, I kept thinking I saw her, even though she doesn’t live in my city. It’s bothered me a bit. I feel pretty level tonight and I am really happy that I am feeling creative. I hope that I can take a step and move forward.
Journey into Darkness 6/6
June 7, 2009
I slept great last night, aside from my 4 year old who snuck into bed and then peed on my leg. YUCK. Gotta love her. She did say sorry in her groggy and soggy mind as we cleaned up the soppy mess. Emotionally, I am feeling better. A bit more level with just a bit of edgy and a dab of why bother. My snarky sarcasm is back, which is great for me and scary for the rest of the world. I get to sleep in tomorrow, which is a small slice of heaven. Amen! Another day, relatively untouched by crazy.
Journey into Darkness starting – 6/3/09
June 4, 2009
This is really just a journal of my journey and me looking for my cracks and to see if there is any reason to when my “crazy” escapes past the med guards. If anyone can learn from it, then amen. If not, it will become useful for me to learn about me.
6/3
Just a little bit grindy today after meeting with the doctor. I am not deep into darkness like I am being swallowed, but I have a layer of heaviness hanging over my head. I am struggling to find motivation to do things I love to do. I have all sorts of home improvements that I could work on and I sit on the sofa, or hide in my bed under the lie of a nap. The depression isn’t consuming, but it’s just heavy enough to keep me uninterested.
Spinning under water my breath is almost gone
Escape I want to do while everything is wrong
Tired, that I am, wish it all away
My heart, my soul, has all begun to fray….
6/5/09
I took a really long nap and really wanted to sleep forever. I am so unmotivated. I received a call about a new job and had to push myself to call the client back. I called back out of responsibility, not joy or enthusiasm which is where design used to bring. Later I went to see my daughters artwork, which I loved. It was her final senior project and she is quite creative and I enjoy peeking into her mind. Came home and had some time with Everett and then went to bed. Slept well. Headache from the time released Effexor is creaping on in. At this point, we didn’t up the dose, we just changed it from 2 x a day to time release.
6/6 I had a minor Effexor headache today, but it was minor to what I experienced today. My edge seems to be disapperaing by the day and I thing the children sense it. They aren’t as whiney or needy and I think its because I am whole heartedly available and not going through the moves. I pushed myself to do some minor quick fixes around the house. I am praying that God shows me the path he has set for me. I know there is more. I have been through too much and he has blessed me with too many worthwhile talents, to not utilize me in some way. I love the lord and really want to be a blessing, even with so many dings in my structure. I feel my energy coming back, but it is level instead of speedy.
Cycle ended yesterday, but it was the second cycle in 4 weeks. What does that mean? Is crazy chemical or hormonal or does the hormonal make my chemical crazy, crazier?
Suicide by pharmacide
October 8, 2008
Tired of you and her and him
Leave me along, screamed to them
Exhausted, from life, keeping my score
Wanting to end, but always needs more
What if I jumped, hung or lied dead
What if I ended, with perscribed med
Better off before, pill gave to save
Big Pharm takes over, mind bends, caves
FDA, purchased, tugged by the throat
Man, woman, child, drugged by white coat
Mystery illness, created by suits
Scientist, politicians, MDs, cahoots
Lesson of Psalms
September 18, 2008
A world of dark and sin
Belly, earth, wretching within
Mother to children loved and dear
Spare them, wrath, anguished tear
Earth rumbles, gurgles, roars
End times devour, festestring soars
Mercy on young, lift them high
Fly to heavens, crescent sky
Believe, heavenly kiss is yours
Hands raised, knees to floors
Heart to you, yours to take
Save my loved ones, hellish quake
End the world, begin anew
Plan for heaven, truth so few
Praying souls, to singing sky
Honor your name, lest sinful cry.
Psalms 37
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT – LOVE IT OR HATE IT – THIS IS FOR YOU!
Do you love gaming? Are you an on-line gamer? Do you play endless hours of WOW, with your spouse, girlfriend, kids or dog wondering what on earth you are doing? Do you even wonder, every now and then, what the hell has happened to you? You live in a pseudo life with potions, and planned raids, and a bunch of other guys from around the world, who live fantasy lives too.
I am a gaming widow and yes, I am a bit bitter about it. I met my now husband, between gaming systems and we lived in different cities. He kept his gaming hidden…until we were married. POW – I was now married to the back of a mans head, who could literally sit in one place all day long – if I let him. Sure, he would move to pee ( I know he has secretly considered a catheter) and maybe get a beer. But other than that, it’s all about the Shaman baby.
Yes, I who am more like Kerry from “Sex in the City.” knows about these raids, potions and shaman. My dinners have been ignored, as well as my conversations. The only place I win…he still prefers me over computer porn, but I am sure it is a tight race. I have lost years to WOW and you know what, I don’t even try to compete anymore. He has improved, greatly, but best of all…he has co-created a website that I can laugh at him, with him.
Yes, a website that clowns gamers by gamers. I love the fact that I don’t game, in fact, hate gaming and I click on his comic-strip and laugh. Check it out, love it or hate it http://comicstripclub.com/2008/05/22/you-have-big-hands/
