Journey into Darkness 6/15

Well, I am anxious and my chest is tight. The house is in need of a pick-me-up, my oldest daughter is stressing me out to no end. I am so tired and feel such pressure. I don’t think my husband understand the pressure. The pressure builds and I need to release it, so I binge and now I am waiting to purge. It’s old and endless cycle. I know when I purge, I will get a release for a moment. I will be free, just for a minute.

Journey into Darkness 6/09

I’m sinking. It’s getting dark. I’m tired and I am wanting someone to hold me with no expectations. I am feeling wanted to death and I am always failing someone. I’m running on empty. The last 2 days, I have binged and purged. Only once a day, but I hate that it still has a hold of me. I’m strapped down and stripped over and over with bulemia. I hate it, but I can’t let it go. I’m so tired, so very tired. Stress at work. Pressure at home. Can I just disappear for a while?

Journey into Darkness 6/10

Sorry everybody, no action here. It’s not really good reading material when I am feeling stable, level, balanced. What I would really like to hear from others “normal people” is what do people without bi-polar feel? When you are angry, happy, anxious, fearful, sad, depressed. I have been told that I am not normal, by the higher ups. So, what is normal? What are you like? I want to know what makes me “abnormal.” My doctors would probably tell me that I am ” normal” right now, but honestly, I feel flat…. If normal is flat, I’m really not feeling it. I want to feel life. Live life, experience life. Not just mosey through it. Granted, most of my life has been survival and that isn’t what I am going for either. I want to LIVE, not live and not just survive.

Journey into Darkness 6/9

Work,lunch with the hubby and lil one at JJ juice, back to work, therapy (for ole’ crazy), pedicure, watering the flowers and plants with the kids, dinner, snuggles. All in all, it was a pretty good day. I have escaped the darkness.   I am not flying to the heavens, nor am I crashing to the hells, but I am reaching higher. I am creative, I am strong, maybe a little too strong. When you get the label, suddenly your not sure if your good day is really a manic day on the verge. I’m optimistic…it’s a good day.

Journey into Darkness 6/7

I was slow to start again today, but I think I was really uninterested in going to work. I am trying to have a positive outlook on work, but I am uninspired, and uninterested so I am not sure what to do with myself. I had crazy dreams last night. I dreamt about a old friend of mine over and over. Today, I kept thinking I saw her, even though she doesn’t live in my city. It’s bothered me a bit. I feel pretty level tonight and I am really happy that I am feeling creative. I hope that I can take a step and move forward.

Journey into Darkness 6/6

I slept great last night, aside from my 4 year old who snuck into bed and then peed on my leg. YUCK. Gotta love her. She did say sorry in her groggy and soggy mind as we cleaned up the soppy mess. Emotionally, I am feeling better. A bit more level with just a bit of edgy and a dab of why bother. My snarky sarcasm is back, which is great for me and scary for the rest of the world. I get to sleep in tomorrow, which is a small slice of heaven. Amen! Another day, relatively untouched by crazy.