Consumed.

I need to write, because I have so much to release, but I have nothing to say. I am tired from a full of day of chores, and family events. My children, who sleep with me, or literally on me are giving me no room to breath, grow and think. I hate having bodies pressed up on me, but I bear it becuase I love my children so much. I love SPACE…SPACE…SPACE! They hem and they haw and want and need all the time and sometimes, I just need to be an adult and get something done. Like now! I shoud be writing, I need to be writing because I am trying to break my stagnant place in life. I know there is more and I know that my release is tied into writing, but how do you write when you work 40 hours, you try to balance real time with your children, you have a shitload of chores that are falling behind and you work on the side. Shit, I can only do so much. I pray that xanax will cure my time and energy shortage, but it doesn’t, it only stops my head from exploding from the pressure. It’s 9:48 pm and these children should have been asleep long ago. They ran and swam and played in the sand. We cooked hotdogs and ate smores and they ares still wanting more from me. I swear, I work damn hard at being a good mother, but when do I get a break. How do I write, when I can’t get a moment alone.Even if I do get a moment alone, I can’t write, because then my head is consumed with guilt because I should be doing this or that or that or this. I swear to God, I think you truly have to be selfish in order to be creative. There has to be a way to do both, but I sure need someone to figure it out for me. I am failing! I am falling. I am losing. I lose this battle the kids win. Or do they? Won”t I be a better mom, if they allow me to be creative? Won’t I? I have no idea and will I ever really know. Will I get the chance to do more then write a stupid blog every night, that I have no idea why I am writing or if if means anything to anyone. Fuck! Consumed again!